thoughts on running

I've been hoping that running would start to feel easier one day. Like that magically after working so hard, I'd naturally become a faster and...well...more natural runner. But I haven't.

I still feel slow and sluggish more days than not. I feel like I have all of these goals in my head about what kind of a runner I want to be, or how fast I want to be, or how quickly I want to tackle race X. But I just haven't been able to nail any of them. Disappointment and frustration comes in waves and waves and leaves me feeling worthless and discouraged.

But the rational part of my brain knows I'm not worthless nor a "bad runner," whatever that may mean. I know I'm doing the best I can, and I'm pushing myself to do a bunch of crazy things I never thought I'd be able to do. I'm a good runner. I try hard. And I keep going more often than not.

While my performance in Hyannis is still a bit disappointing, I'm still amazed that I even finished. The pain was excruciating. I've never cried while running before, but I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. And I'm damn proud of myself for completing two half marathons within a year.

So I've decided to throw my "goal time" out the window for the BAA 10K on June 24. Sure, I'd like to run it under X minutes, but I'm not going to focus on that anymore. I want to have fun running. I want to run for myself, and not to prove anything to anyone. I just want to know that I can. And at the end of the race, regardless of time, I'm going to smile and be happy with myself.

I run for myself. I don't run for anyone or anything else. And I guess I just needed to remind myself of that. So here it is. My reminder.
He always thinks I'm super fast. And I'll take it.

7 comments:

  1. that's all that matters! running for fun and having toby think you run like lightning.

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  2. I HATED running but my husband loves it so much and really wanted me to try it. It took a month before I felt even slightly positive while running. And then suddenly I was beating him! And when I saw my baby weight starting to fly off? I love you running.

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  3. Quick reply but I want to talk to you longer in person.
    People have a tendency to be results oriented rather than process oriented. "How much money do I have?" is NOT more important than "whats the quality of my life that lets me have $X instead of $Y?"
    If you're running to get faster then you never will. Well you might in the short term- but then you'll stop running and won't be fast anyway. If you're running to clear your head/feel healthy and fit/get to be outside you'll get faster by accident. It might take a while.

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  4. Run like Toby runs. He never worries about time or distance -- he just runs to run because it's fun. He doesn't care if he's slower one day and faster the next!

    That's the best advice anyone every gave me -- when I'm having a hard day (or month) just to look at my dogs and follow their running lead. And really all it takes is one look at Peggy -- she's SO EXCITED to run every single day just because she can -- and I feel a million times better!

    SO, in conclusion, YAY FOR DOGS.

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  5. I haven't ran since the marathon. V and I went to the gym and I hopped on the treadmill, ran for about 5 seconds, decided my knee kind of hurt, then hopped on over to the elliptical. So kudos to you for even still WANTING to run. No one cares about time when you've told them you ran a marathon...they just think it's awesome you did it!

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  6. running is fun! i feel like it's one of the things that relieves me when i'm stressed! and you're right, i don't think you should run for other people :} just do it because you like doing it ^__^

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Oh, herro there.

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