where have i been?

it's been quiet around here this month. and i wish i could say i had good reasons, or that i was just so busy with fun things. but the truth is that i've been dipping in and out of anxiety and depression all month.
march is always a hard time for me. march is the month my dad left. and this march marked 20 years since he left. and it's kind of a scary and overwhelming thing to think about. 20 years without a dad. 20 years as the girl without a dad. how...embarrassing? sad? i don't know. it's something. and it's something that has been weighing in the pit of my stomach for a long time.

i feel like there's so much i could say about this, but i've already said a lot of it. it feels so repetitive to complain about this any more. it sucks to not have a dad. it sucks that he doesn't care. hasn't cared. will not care. it all just really sucks, but i hate to be such a bummer and keep harping on this! so i don't. and i keep it to myself. but i know that's not a solution. so i'm constantly torn between dumping everything on someone at once, and pretending everything is ok.

tacked on top of training and fundraising for the marathon, i've felt very overwhelmed. i constantly feel like i'm on the go. and usually that's ok! it's fun! i like being busy and trying new things and meeting new people. but this month, it's often felt like i'm drowning. and that's scary.

i hate this feeling. i hate letting myself succumb to it! it feels so weak sometimes. i know i'm so much stronger than this. but at the same time, it's so easy to fall back into my old habits and just shrink away from everything.

i'm trying to give myself time and think things through, but that's forced some things to fall by the wayside. and since work, and my time at follain, and the marathon and fundraising can't be put aside, this blog has been. and so, i'm sorry. it feels weird to apologize to the internet, but i am sorry. i love this blog, and i love writing here and being creative and just getting to know so many people thanks to this space.

i promise things will go back to normal soon. i can feel myself coming out of the fog, and i have so much i want to write and share. soon. so so soon.

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Oh, herro there.

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