on being happy

i think there's a big difference in finding things that make you happy, and actually being happy. inherently, they're linked, but i think there's a whole lot of fake-it-til-you-make-it going on.

and i'm not saying i'm not guilty of doing it myself. i do it all the time. i go with the flow, and i do the things i know make me happy in hopes that i'll get to actually being happy. but it takes time. it takes strength. and it takes patience.

happiness is tough. it's a tough thing to talk about, and it's hard to admit that you're not. i think we're often pressured into feeling like we ought to be happy because we have so much, and access to so much, and because we're really lucky. but luck and lifestyle and things don't equate to happiness.

most of the time, i'm very happy. i have two great jobs, i'm involved in great communities, i do things that make me happy (like running and writing and eating). i am afforded a lifestyle where i can actually take the time to do the things that make me happy. but that doesn't mean i'm always happy.

i can fake it with the best of them, and do my work and go to events and hang out with my friends even, and still not be quite happy. and i think that's ok! i think it's fine! because in those moments, i'm experiencing a sort of happiness, even if it's fleeting. but at my core, and the very crux of my being, i'm not totally happy.

this isn't an easy thing to admit to anyone. i've built this life around doing the things i need to make me happy. and it's so humbling and hard to admit that maybe i didn't get it right. maybe i'm not doing it right. but i like to think i'm not alone.

i like to think that there are other people around who feel like me, who are on the cusp of true happiness but haven't quite found it yet. and i like to think that we'll all get there one day. it may take some of us longer than others, but i think we'll all find it.

feelings are hard and scary, but important to face head on. and as long as we're all working to better ourselves and to find that true happiness, i'd say we're all doing a really good job of living our most beautiful and important lives.

also, as an aside, i'm still fundraising for the boston marathon. because, you know, running it is something that gives me all kinds of emotions, including happiness. if you've got a few dollars to spare over the next week, i'd be eternally grateful. love you all lots.

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