on being alone

i think there's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. and i think the two can be linked, but one is not dependent on the other. and it's something i've been having to explain a lot lately. i may be alone, but i'm far from lonely.
for some reason, it often comes as a shock to people that i'm introverted. i require a lot of alone and quiet time to recharge and have enough energy to be social. and i like going out! i like doing things! but i also know that if i'm on the go too much and i'm surrounded by too much stimulation for too long, i can shut down. so being alone, for me, is the best kind of time. it allows me to reset. to come back stronger. and i've reveled in my set alone time for years.

but that was a different kind of alone. that was the kind of alone i implemented on myself to continue on with my days. now, i'm just alone. living alone. spending a lot of time alone. and trying to figure out exactly where i fit into my life, this city, this world, as just alex. it's a challenge, but a new and exciting challenge.

this isn't to say there aren't times as of late where i'm lonely. i feel it in waves. it ebbs and flows, and some days it feels as though i'm constantly teetering on the edge of loneliness. loneliness, where you feel there isn't hope. where it feels there isn't anyone around. where it feels like no one cares whether you're there or not.

at 16, i was lonely. at 27 i was lonely. and now, at 28, i'm alone, but i finally don't feel so lonely anymore. i've found the right people to lean on when i need them, and i'm starting to realize that everyone doesn't immediately run when you share the ugliest parts of you. and while the prospect of being alone has been crippling enough in its own right, it's not the same lingering emptiness of loneliness.

i'm stronger alone. i'm learning to love myself on my own. and i'm seeing first hand just how great life can be alone. and when the feelings of loneliness start creeping in? i'm not scared to burden anyone anymore. i'm ready to start letting people in. honesty, in its purest form, is saving me from my loneliness.

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Oh, herro there.

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