on creating change + a recap of 2016

this post is several days delayed for a few reasons. i finally had some time to myself to relax and i disconnected from my laptop, which i desperately needed. i also kicked off 2017 with a bout of food poisoning and overall fatigue so, ya know. win some, lose some. or something. but 2017 is all about change for me.
i often think that we don't actively pursue change. i think a lot of the time, we allow change to roll over us and work our way through it and at the end find ourselves changed. but what about active change? change that we control and decide for ourselves?

i've made a lot of effort to actively change myself over the last year. to stop "acting" a certain way, and start behaving like myself. to accept myself as i am, flaws and all. i've stopped hiding how i feel and instead am working on actively letting people know what i'm feeling in the moment. i've spent so much time harboring feelings and making myself feel bad for them, and i'm tired of it. so it's a year of change.

i also thought it might be worthwhile to take a look back at 2016 as a whole. it was terrible and great, soul crushing and enriching all at once.

i started ramping up my running but also got very serious about my health as a whole. i had put on a significant (for me) amount of weight over the previous five years and felt like general shit about myself. i had a lot of very unhealthy thoughts and dipped back into some dangerous habits before making a big shift in my life and starting kayla itsines' bbg. i started losing weight, but more importantly i got stronger. i traveled to salt lake city for work and took a very expensive cab ride home from the airport afterward in a snowstorm. don't ask me why this is notable.


i don't really know what happened in february. i was officially accepted into the 2016 boston marathon. i ran a lot. i was also in the middle of pretty bad bout of anxiety and depression. i wasn't myself. i was lethargic and sad. it just was pretty blah in general. oh but i did go to literally the fanciest dinner of my entire life, so that was a real highlight.


oh march. i ran a lot in march too. but in march i hit kind of a new low. i "celebrated" twenty years without a dad and generally just felt super sad. but it wasn't all terrible. i traveled to atlanta for work, i had a super successful fundraising event at follain. i had a few happy moments.


i ran my third marathon and PR'd by 40 minutes. i laughed and cried and hobbled my way to a bar afterward where i had arguably the best beer of my life. i ate an entire pizza and slept for a whole day after. i realized how strong i am.

i turned 28. i saw justin bieber. i surrounded myself with my friends, and started facing some hard realities. i became an ambassador for b/spoke studios and found home.

i PR'd the 10-miler and the 10k. i got some new tattoos. i said goodbye to something i worked really hard on.

sucked. it was the worst. i was transient and lost and stubborn and hard-headed. i stood up for myself but hurt people in the process. july sucked a lot.

i started over. i put myself first. i cried less than i did in july, but i still cried. i settled into life alone. i went to vegas with sarah.

i started telling people what was going on. i cried less. i came out of reclusion. i worked hard. i went to toronto for work.


i wrote about failure, and what it feels like. i worked hard. i had fun. i found out i'd be going to europe in november.

i wrote about being alone. i went to berlin. i went to paris. i went to lisbon. i traveled alone for the very first time. i got lost and walked around a lot. i cried and i smiled and i practiced my french. i was very homesick for a day, and i came back so much happier than when i left. i celebrated thanksgiving with my family, i made new friends.

i celebrated. i had fun. and i was so so ready to kick 2016 to the curb. 2016 hurt a lot, in ways that are very difficult to articulate. because as much as i know i'm better off because of what happened in 2016, at times it was difficult to breathe, let alone get out of bed and function. the hurt i felt was often endless. i'm infinitely grateful for the experiences i had, and how i grew as a person. but i can safely say i'm glad 2016 is over, and i'm so ready for 2017.

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